31 of 365: I ♥ the Internet

One month down, 11 to go!

I’ve managed to post a blog every day for a month. There were many days when I thought, ‘I can’t be bothered’, but because I’ve numbered the posts it will be almost impossible for me to miss doing one because my anal nature won’t let me skip a day! Damn my OCD!

My daily posts have made me wonder – can the internet get full, like a hard-drive can get full? The number of new things that get added to the internet everyday must be mind-boggling. How does it all get stored, and will the storage run out? Surely there’s a limit?

Imagine if the internet developed an intelligence. It would quickly realise it was a dumping ground for all manner of crap and probably fry its own circuits.

I seriously doubt people could cope if the internet ceased to exist. From where would we buy our books?

Now that it’s a huge part of our lives, what would life be like without the internet?

For me – I’d miss emails and the convenience of submitting electronically to agents and publishers. I’d miss all the funny cartoon things that get sent around Facebook. I’d miss being able to stay connected to my non-local family and friends. I’d miss the ability to Google pictures and quotes and information. I’d miss downloading music. I’d miss the immediacy of everything.

The internet pretty much rocks. I hope it never gets ‘full’.


29 of 365: Cull – just another word for murder

The shark murder … sorry … shark ‘cull’ that the Western Australian Government decided to undertake has made news headlines around the world. And the world isn’t happy about it. And I’m glad! I’m glad that people are up in arms and are planning a protest on Saturday the 1st February. I’m glad that there are people out there who care about other species. I’m glad that there are people out there who won’t sit on their hands and let this senseless violence go unchallenged.

Why the idiots who run the state of WA decided it was reasonable to murder sharks willy-nilly is beyond just about everyone. There is no way such an abhorrent and brutal thing can even be justified.

The ocean is the habitat of the shark yet us humans seem to think we can just waltz in there and do whatever we damn well like with it. We can’t. It’s not ours. If a shark knocked on my door and tried to take a chunk out of me, then I might have something to say about it. But when they’re just minding their own business in their own home, they should be left in peace.

For too long, humans have killed indiscriminately for such lame reasons as certain other species are an inconvenience. If they don’t suit our needs, we just do away with them.

What is wrong with us? Why are we so defective? Why are we so barbaric and unfeeling?

Not everyone, of course. But there are still too many brutal humans who make life hell for anything and everything.

Just because we can swim in it and sail on it doesn’t mean that the ocean is fair game. The ocean is a home. Humans need to start respecting that the way we expect our personal territory to be respected. Imagine if a bunch of sea-life rocked up to our homes and dumped a pile of garbage, sewerage, and oil in our kitchens and then chopped up, harpooned, or hooked a couple of family members while they were there! We’d be outraged. Yet we have no qualms about doing that shit to them and their home.

Humans need to let go of our sense of entitlement. We need to butt-out of every other species business. We need to live and let live.

And a great big heartfelt thank you to everyone who is outraged and is making their voice heard. You have my enormous respect.


28 of 365: The best things in life are … expensive!

Money. Damn money. We need it. We want it. We never have enough of it.

A lack of money can put a serious dampener on one’s ability to live life to the full. I want to go around the globe in style and comfort. Can I? No. Because I don’t have the wherewithal. I could maybe go for a couple of weeks, but big deal. I’d get home stony broke then have to work another year to build up enough cash for another couple of weeks away.

Life without money is dull and repetitive. “There’s plenty of stuff you can do for free,” I hear you say. Yes, but going to the same half a dozen free things all the time soon gets tired.

And money stress is a big killer. A lack of money just makes everything so damn hard and so damn unhappy.

I want a home of my own with lovely décor and comfy furnishings. I want a beautiful, manicured garden I can enjoy.

I want a quiet, reliable, NEW car. One that has all the fancy gadgets and one I can afford to get serviced regularly.

Let’s just cut to the chase – I want everything my heart desires.

Yep, I want money, and lots of it. I make no apologies for that. I’ve lived my whole life on the edge of poverty so it’s my turn to get some of that awesome freedom that money brings.

Money makes the world go around and enables me to go around the world, and that can only be a good thing as far as my mental health is concerned!


27 of 365: Size doesn’t matter

Women’s brains are smaller than men’s!

This was declared many years ago. I think it was some kind of scientific declaration so it made the statement respectable and one to be thrown up as needed in any gender conflict.

I don’t know how many millions went into this earth-shattering research, but I could have told anyone that for free.

How? Just by observation, of course. Physically, women are generally smaller all over. We’ve got smaller hands, feet, skeletons, heads. If our skull is naturally smaller, then of course our brain will follow suit. It needs to fit into our cranium. If it was too big it would spill out through our ears and that’s just unpleasant for all concerned.

So if a woman’s brain grows enough to fit all snug and cosy inside her smaller skull, a man’s does the same for his larger noggin. I once knew a guy who had a massive head. You could fit 20 kilos of spuds in his hat! Imagine a woman’s brain inside his skull. It would be like a peanut rattling around inside a coconut!

Unfortunately, many people used this ‘smaller brain’ news to suggest that this makes women somehow inferior. I’m not sure why? I don’t remember anyone suggesting that it hindered a woman’s intellect, her sense of reason, logic, and capacity for higher thought, her dexterity, her ability to multi-task, learn grow, and evolve, her capacity for creativity, or ability to dress herself in the morning.

I’m willing to bet that on a skull by skull, brain by brain basis, there’s not that much difference between the size of male and female brains when apples are compared with apples.

The science of it all is moot anyway because as any man will tell you – it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it that counts!


26 of 365: Observations of a Post Office Worker

Yesterday, I shared my nephew’s one and only blog. Being too lazy to write my own blog today, I’m going to re-blog his mother’s one and only ever blog. (Seems to be a trend in their family!) She may do more. It’s hard to say. I wish she would though. She’s hilarious. Her ‘tis:

Written: November 17, 2013


“Yes please, who’s next?” Seriously, I must say that shit at least 3000 times a day, multiply that by 25 years – kill me now!

Anyway, a customer meanders over, the line is out the door but what the hell just shuffle away there, no rush when you’re hitting 90 and I’m sure that he will eventually make it to the counter. “Hurry the fuck up,” I mentally articulate.

Yawn, yawn. Finally I look up to see two peepers glaring, two peepers that have an uncanny resemblance to stained-glass windows! I’ve seen some physical oddities during my time on the counter but this one takes the cake. Bulging eye balls, red, cracked lines. I swear I could make out a picture of a saint. I wonder if they hurt. He really didn’t look too thrilled. “Three stamps please dear.”

There’s another customer who’s a regular whose breath could strip paint! He’s large and toxic. I’m not sure what kind of childhood he had but something is definitely rotten and rotting on the inside. Every time I serve him I reel back in horror as he parts those lips and I know what is coming at me. I really don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Oh, and the customer whose teeth are like tombstones. He smiles and it reminds me of my mortality.

How about the one who staggers in drunk at 9am to withdraw one dollar from his key card.

Or the Mary who used to be Mike and grabs at the stamps with big man hands, not to mention what she does to the Postpak display.

Just another day at the post office.


25 of 365: Wise words from my Nephew

My 22 year old nephew started a blog because he had an urge to get something off his chest. Near the end of the blog he says it will be a regular thing but, alas, once he’d purged, he no longer felt the need to blog any further.

So what was bothering him so badly that he took the time to set up a blog?

Well, he was annoyed that everyone he spoke to pretty much used the same 3 words to describe any and all things – good, awesome, excellent.

Below are his feelings, wonderfully articulated. I’m re-blogging it because it’s exc … er … superlative 🙂

Written: Friday, 25 October 2013

Same Words, Different Day.

All of a sudden, it seems like the conversations I have with people resemble 95% of those I’ve had previously. Largely, I think it’s the vocabulary and a low-level of creativity subordinated for laziness.

You know when you yawn, but you’re not tired? That’s me, mid conversation, these days. It has become a challenging obstacle. All because someone says, “I’m good, how are you?” (YAWNN!) rather than, “Convulsing with elation. You?”

It’s not just speaking, either. I cringe like a grandma in lemon juice when someone texts back to a suggestion of mine with, “Ok.” Is it too hard to say, “Stupendous thought, my attractive compatriot.”

Hey, draw your eyes parallel to my fuzzy new dog. “Oh yeah, he’s cool.”

He’s cool!? If you had followed that with, “He radiates the eudemonia of a frolicking harp seal,” you might have been cool too.

Presumably, only a scant minority of thesaurus junkies would be this hard to please, probably less. But I think we all might enjoy some more diversity. I don’t mean to portray my disdain for prosaic deliveries of words in a derogatory manner. I’m just bored, you know? A little stimulation never went astray.

There are a plethora of verbally creative opportunities to take a hold of during the day. Make that your daily mantra. Avoid being lazy too. Superfluousness is a small price to pay for a sweet convo. It won’t even be a convo anymore but, instead, an epic display of words illuminating life in all those lucky enough to be in your immediate vicinity.

Envisage yourself stringing out responses like the ones above on Saturday night. I recall an expression that directly and undoubtedly applies to this context: “Bitches be crawlin’.”

So, vocalize against the monotonous rhythm of contemporary day to day communication. You deserve better. Especially on Facebook. OMG.

Extending from the rant above, I want to use this space to be creative with words, and have those less often used be the cynosure of these efforts. (See what I did there with cynosure!) In other words (lol word pun), I’m writing random stuff about weird words, and weird stuff about random words. I also look forward to including the recollections of accounts where this concept was applied in real life … That could get interesting.

Who knows what this will emerge as? Its evolution is open-ended. I encourage you to adopt this practice and hopefully produce from it, great entertainment. Imagine if people actually started buying into this lexical fetish. The world would be ridiculous, but interesting. 🙂

This is also clearly an excuse to exercise my own vocabulary. Happy rhetoric 🙂